My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
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No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me