[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
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I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
The struggle is real
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Pretty much. 🤣
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.