You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
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[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
the rocks need my help
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.