Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
You Might Also Like
When your parents check you’re ok.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?