Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
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Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
that colleague who touches your screen
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Breaking news:
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.