My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
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You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.