Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Meowchelangelo
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Was it something I said?
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
SCARY COSTUME
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.