Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
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Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.