First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
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My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does