Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I finally found a reason to live again.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.