Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
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ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
technically true but not a great slogan
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.