5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
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[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
The struggle is real.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?