I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
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Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five