Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital