Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
time machine? you mean a clock?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
2022: I can fix it
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out