God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
the answer was staring at me all along
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*