i baked you a cake
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Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question