[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.