ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
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If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta