Big Sex has us all fooled
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-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.