If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
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People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild