I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
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if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there