If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
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Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
But wait…
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.