* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
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The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”