ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
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Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!