*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
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every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*