director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
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What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.