I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
You Might Also Like
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)