“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
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He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.