T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
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HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless