When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
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“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I was bored.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡