INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me: