Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
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me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
My inexpensive home security system…
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.