If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
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If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time