Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
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Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.