I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
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me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick