Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
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‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.