True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Terribly Tuesday.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”