I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
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Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.