I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
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I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
These dogs look like they have good credit.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”