It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
You Might Also Like
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Blew my mind.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.