Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
You Might Also Like
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.