Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
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HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*