People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
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Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Found my door mat
Sticker placement is key.