[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
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Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
just gave your address to some spiders
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate