god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
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KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
wut hotdog?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
If looks could kill
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color