waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
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*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
yeah not falling for this one
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Husband of the year 😂
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.