I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
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Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.