*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
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god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
buying dead houseplants to save time
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…