caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
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I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic